Year 2 of uni was like a horrible hang-over from the big party the year before.

The awful feelings of regret had begun to set in, as I realised the consequences of my poor decisions. For one, I’d let the boy of my dreams walk out of my life. Two, I’d completely ruined any future-prospects of having a good GPA. And three, I’d become a bit chunky to say the least.

And for what?

I asked myself this question over and over. Why had I let everything I wanted slip out of my reach? And the answer was pathetic.

I’d spent the past year trying to impress people that didn’t really give a rat’s ass about me. I’d been sucked in by the fun and the hype; swallowed up by the party scene; and spat out the other side like trash. And the worst part was, I’d pushed away my real friends for this lifestyle that seemed so exciting, yet gave so little backp

Previously, I’d prided myself on my intelligence, my fitness, and the amazing people I had in my life. But all that was gone. And I’d completely lost touch of who I was.

I had this constant, unfamiliar feeling of utter worthlessness. I became reserved and self-conscious. And every time I drank, I’d do it in excess and end up in tears.

Life became overwhelming, and it felt like I was drowning under the weight of it all.

Eventually I just went numb.

I remember going weeks on end without feeling a single emotion. I wasn't happy or sad or jealous or anything! It drove me insane. It was like this constant state of numbed confusion.

As expected, my motivation to do anything disappeared. And I started questioning the life I had created for myself.

I began reassesing the degree I’d chosen. Commerce Finance … what a hoot. I truly hated it. I sat there wishing I’d gone with my gut and done architecture like I’d always dreamed. I resented everything about uni, and thought for sure it was the root of my problems. And I was almost certain that in semester 2 of 2018 I would not be returning.

Then I took a solid look at my physical health. I had really, really let myself go. I was such a sporty kid, and now I did nothing. I really struggled with my body image at this point, and so I decided to change things. I started eating right and exercising every day. And most importantly, I stopped drinking and going out!

Over time, this lifestyle change, completely turned things around for me. It gave me a sense of motivation, and by the time semester 2 had rolled around, I had a completely different attitude. And guess what… I enrolled! I still knew I wasn’t happy with my finance major and would resent every part of it, but I’d already done so much towards it. So, I decided I’d find my little slice of happiness at uni through my minor, which I decided would be Public Relations.

Things were looking up … until, for the first time ever, I had my little heart broken.

Remember that boy I let walk out my life? Well, I tried my hardest to get him back. In the process, I was rejected and consistently made a second choice. And again, those feelings of worthless crept back. He was living his life a year behind me. The boy I’d liked a year ago, was now a party animal and a mirror image of myself a year ago. I could see he was lost, and over time I saw that same look of regret appear across his face. It broke my heart that he wasn’t himself, and that his judgement was so clouded. It took me a long time to come to grips with everything. That the problem wasn’t me not being good enough, but rather, it was him being completely confused.

Eventually, I stopped shedding tears over him and just hoped he’d snap out of it like I did.

It would just take time.

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